I miss being a couple and having a companion. I have made a conscious decision to stay single until my son is grown and off to college 7 years because I feel like bringing one more person in the picture will only make it worse.
Martyr or good mother…. I just found out my ex has someone new. I can barely breathe. It hurts so much. I am truely alone now. Family is across the country and no real close friends. I have been putting myself out there to make friends and no luck yet. How can he find someone when he barely has his stuff together and I have my priorities straight and i am still alone???
Thx needed to get that off my chest. Misty — anytime you need to get something off your chest, go ahead! Yes — discovering that your ex is dating can be a shock and hurtful. Focus on yourself, be true to yourself and you find someone who makes your heart sing. My ex left me, and is dating this guy. The problem is I never did her any wrong. I loved her and still do, even after 4 years apart. When I think of my marriage, it was very good. Truth is, I want her. Sounds like you need professional help.
Can you search for divorce recovery programs in your location or work with a therapist or divorce coach on divorce recovery? The men I like are either married or not wanting a relationship.
So of course, I feel jealous!!! Harebell — two thoughts strike me about your comment. And I'm also tired of the overtly sexual messages as well. You've deluded yourself into getting it the opposite way around. You are looking for nothing but hot, single men in their thirties, and so is every other woman on the website. Goes to show what primadonnas women on dating sites are when you can get it all this wrong. But don't go telling someone you've never met she's "way past her prime.
I do think it's funny that you label a "hot single guy in his 30s," as tops among men. Let me tell you , they're not all looking for that. I'm in my 30s and in great shape best of my life , 6ft tall, friendly, respectful, own a house, two cars, my own business, and vacation around the world.
And I still struggle to get women who aren't overweight or who have kids to respond to me! My guess, for whatever reason, I don't photograph very well. And apparently, that's the most important thing. I've always done much much better meeting people in bars. Honestly, I'd ditch the computer and go back to that in a second, except all of my friends are married and don't want to go out anymore. So, if I go out to a bar, I'm the weird guy out at the bars alone.
It's not easy for anybody, unless you look like Brad Pitt. I can't believe the BS in this opinion piece. I've been online dating for years and only once in a blue moon will I receive a "well-crafted" message from a woman. I used bumble and exactly the same experience, usually it's just a"hi" or the equivalent. Which effectively negates the idea that a woman has to message first because the onus is still on the man to create an interesting dialogue. Well i will certainly have to say that the real good old fashioned women of years ago really did put the women of today to real shame altogether since they were so much nicer with a very good personality as well as having good manors which made it very easy finding real love back then as well which today Most of the women are very Horrible to date unfortunately.
It is very difficult for many of us men to start a conversation with a woman since most of them aren't nice at all unfortunately which they will totally ignore us and walk away as well. Online dating is a real joke altogether since many women will not even show up when you set a place where to meet.
So looking for love for many of us good men is like looking for a needle in a haystack which makes it very sad for us since many women nowadays like playing head games to begin with.
At least years ago there were really good places to go to meet a good woman for a very good relationship since you had parties, church dances, at school, through friends and families as well as neighbors that would introduce you to someone that they think would be right for you which now it has become very impossible unfortunately. Man, I totally agree and I am saying this even if I am 30, sporty guy, can cook, have a PhD, write poems, participate in photography contests and earn a decent buck.
However I am short, of very clear Italian descendant with baby face and slightly piggy nose and I might strike people as a bit nerdy even if I am very outgoing after you meet me.
Even following all the possible tips I almost never got a reply on either OKC or meet. The fact is after all this effort and not having any glimpse of success I am also thinking that maybe I will not have kids or I will try to relocate on another continent , try to be rich and have fun with my good friends and establish a charity to help people in need also because I earn more money than I need for a single person.
And by the way even if all of a sudden some of my efforts would pay off, I am so irritated by years of insuccess that I would not settle for a girl shows some slight interest without putting any effort like all these "queens" on these websites, what can they really do? Can they sustain all this stress, what do they do?
I am currently on Tinder, and have been for about a month. All of the messages I have received from men have been respectful so far. I'm not sure why, but I'm guessing it has something to do with how I wrote my profile, as well as the pictures I chose to show. My profile is pretty straight forward, without being bitchy. My pictures are tasteful, and there are also some that show I am pretty jacked. I swear that after I have become more buff, men have gotten a ton more respectful.
And no, I don't think I'm special because I'm fit, it is just a physicality. I think one very important thing that any female can do, is be straight forward with what you want, but with a trace of ambiguity and openness. This way men feel comfortable enough to state what they really want, which is course paramount when finding someone of any decent quality and character.
Also, this prevents men from molding themselves to what you want so they can get laid. If you receive a pervert message which you will- it's pretty much guaranteed , do not give them any type of reward attention. Simply block, or keep the message so you can remember them, and therefore not be subjected to the behavior again. The way women present themselves provokes how men will react. When I see genuine and cute profile, I try to be as well mannered as possible, I don't want to loose this opportunity.
But when I see a woman that I don't like and she's a bit off, like desperate or bitchy, then my first idea is to ask her if she agrees to have sex with me, nothing else. I don't do it because I'm fully aware that it doesn't work that way and I simply don't message her.
But this illustrates the difference between my messages based on women's profiles. I am a woman trying st internet dating. There is no guarantee for a man or a woman that they will meet a great partner on the internet. Their age - very young - there location - in another state - their marital status - married - no pictures - incomplete profiles - they have not bothered to read my profile.
Then I read through their profile to see if they might be a person I would consider meeting in person. Guys, don't think the women are ignoring you. I READ the profiles. At least half the men are excluded because they have pets and I am very allergic to animals. Love your dog and your profile picture has a dog?
I will pass over you. Say you are an animal lover in your profile? Every man I have messaged that has a pet says "too bad - I love my pet". But just one of the reasons I do not message you. I actually READ the profile to see if there is compatibility. Want a girlfriend who is kosher? Want a girlfriend who is a great cook? Want a girlfriend who likes casual sex how is sex casual? Want an animal lover? Have a fifth grade education and want a woman who can keep house? If you just want flattery, don't expect it on the internet.
It is nice to get messages, but if the guy is completely incompatible in many ways, why do I have to send a message? I don't expect men who do not like my online profile to message me either. The fact that I get dozens of messages from completely unsuitable men does not mean I am ignoring "nice guys". Your neighbor is "nice". Is she dating material for you? My neighbors are "nice". Are they suitable dating material for me? If so, I would be married by now. Very difficult to find a suitable partner on line or anywhere.
I'll admit that I ignore most of the messages I get on okcupid. I'm not interested in forcing myself into a relationship with someone that I'm really not attracted to. It frustrates me that so often do people think that just because they're "nice" they deserve a shot and that simply isn't how attraction works.
Men especially think this way. If you're nice and I'm not attracted to you, that makes you good friend material, but if I have to kiss you, I'm going to be forcing myself to do it. That doesn't even take into account sex. I'm not going to date you so why bother?
I also ignore or block creepy messages for which I get a lot. If you're okay looking and you message me about something we're both interested in I will reply.
If I replied to every single message, even the ones I wasn't attracted to, I would have to be talking to at least 15 different guys every day.
And they would probably continue talking to me for a week at least. That's around different people I would have to talk to by the end of my first week. Almost all of those guys will probably be ones I'm not interested in so why would I bother? It will be a waste of time for both of us. Also you can't TELL a guy you're not interested. I've done this, I've tried to be nice, I'll even say "Hey you really like 'A' and I'm more of a 'B' kind of girl" or "you smoke and I'm not really a fan, but good luck!
I get people desperately trying to tell me those things shouldn't matter if we connect on such and such another level that maybe doesn't matter to me. Clearly I can't make my own decision on who's worthy of my time and I should just accept all these supposedly nice guys that flip the moment I'm not interested.
This also doesn't mean all guys are like this. There have been maybe 3 that I told them I wasn't interested in after talking to them and why and they went on their merry way. If the majority of messages women receive are juvenile, insulting, generic or just plain creepy, why is it that those rare men who study women's profiles the written ones and craft each message around the woman's likes, dislikes, hobbies, etc, still receive almost no replies?
And speaking of likes and dislikes, has anyone noticed that in many areas men and women like different things? How many men will say "Hey, I like romance novels too! I am a woman who loathes romance novels and films , but loves martial arts revenge films. I am not saying this to be funny. You should absolutely put that in your profile. You will get more messages juvenile and otherwise , almost guaranteed.
While I certainly appreciate the desire to write about the travails of online dating I find your claim that this is the whole story from the male and female perspectives to be laughable. The whole story is likely impossible to tell but any story told from the perspective of two individuals to describe the experience of tens of millions of people is bound to be a bit shortsighted. I think that a large part of the problem with online dating is how we view ourselves and others.
The vast majority of profiles I've seen read like job applications. It seems as if a healthy smattering of keywords is all that is required to share who we are as individuals. The majority of profiles are as similar as mainstream medias concept of beauty. In the end there isn't much to differentiate one profile from another.
On rare occasions someone has shown a willingness to write something unique. A rare individual that is capable of thinking for themselves and doesn't feel the need to be a carbon copy of what society tells us are our desirable traits.
Of the hundreds of profiles I've viewed this past few years I have come across a handful less than 10 and closer to 5 of women that stand apart from the crowd. That is a very desirable trait in my search.
A few years ago I had a profile on okcupid. I uploaded a few decent pictures of myself. I received a lot of views and a decent amount of messages. A year ago I created a new profile on okcupid and uploaded one picture that makes it somewhat more difficult to tell what I look like.
This time around I've received considerably less profile views and considerably less messages. I have no way of knowing how okcupid may treat my profile due to this difference but I have experienced enough to know that women just like men are swayed by physical appearance. Fortunately i am content with who I am as a person and recognize that at this stage of my life I am looking for a woman to connect with intellectually, emotionally and spiritually.
Certainly for myself physical attraction is important but it has moved from the top of my list to the bottom. I wish I could state that my shifting ideals have made it easier to find potential partners but in reality it is now immeasurably more difficult. In a society that values shallow beliefs, physical beauty, and cultural uniformity my attempt to find a truly unique individual has so far been unsuccessful.
Due to my differing belief system actually formed by myself through a couple decades of searching both inside and out utilizing the internet to find a partner provides slightly better odds than winning the lottery without buying a ticket. To those still looking. May your search prove fruitful and may you not only find a partner but perhaps yourself along the way.
What an intelligent, well-crafted description. I have to ask, I really have to, but I already know the answer: Where are the men who treat words this way? You would think they would know how to treat a woman, too. Obviously not on Websites, which is why there is hope in this world, that past the wave of flat, online-dating lameness perhaps people will once again resort to real Life to get one Thank you, this is refreshing.
It has become clear to me with the passing of the years that my knowledge and understanding are very limited much to my own consternation. However I will do my best to explain the situation as I see it. My answer will likely seem off topic and possibly confusing.
Unfortunately the real issue, as is almost always the case with problems we are facing today, exists far beyond the usual scope of answers proffered. For a large society to function social stratification must be present. When a population expands beyond a relatively small number it is impossible for everyone to have an equal voice as the time and energy requirements would preclude the accomplishment of the necessary workloads.
To skirt this issue society requires managerial positions and base labor or worker positions. Just as managers help organize workers the governing of society requires the same type of organization.
The answer to this problem would seem to lie in providing an equal education for all. That answer provides a couple glaring issues. First off it is important to recognize that those in positions of prestige will seek to maintain their position and furthermore will seek to promote the inclusion of their offspring into similar positions. Secondly our education system isn't so much a system of learning as it is a system of training. For our society to function we require managers and workers.
If our education system really sought to equalize knowledge our current system would cease to exist. Instead our education system is designed to separate gifted from normal students as potential managers versus the working class. The design of our education system clearly has its roots in the workings of industry. Teach children to be on time and ready for a full days learning.
Teach children to submit to authority early teacher so as to be prepared to submit to those in managerial positions later on.
Teach children to seek out permission in regards to bodily functions so as to further separate them from the ability to govern themselves. Likewise our education system separates children from families to further degrade our communal nature including compassion and empathy and therefore connection to each other. This is where it gets interesting. Consider what we've done so far. Now I'd ask that you reconsider your question.
If your question was based upon a society of equals who were all knowledgeable, reasonable, autonomous and yet cooperative we could easily reason that people would treat each other with kindness and respect. However we've created a system of inequality in which the common citizen holds little if any power and instead lives by the whims of society at large. This system promotes competition as it is undeniably preferable to gain power and move up the social ladder.
My contention is that inequality and competition are the precursors of societies ills. Men mistreating women certainly but more to the point people mistreating each other for gain.
It seems odd to think that men seeking a partner would act as many so often do but it is important to remember we're not dealing with intellectually compassionate equals. We're dealing with generations of people that have been bred to compete with one another and ultimately not see each other as equals but as enemies of a sort. We're not killing each other for the most part at least within our own society but we are competing for limited resources to our own detriment.
It is important to note that women are playing their own role in this game of losers. Women by evolutionary design primarily revolving around the unequal distribution of effort regarding procreation seek out comfort and safety which play into the unequal distribution of power and wealth.
Early on men realize their ability to find a partner directly correlates to their ability to acquire wealth so as to be a better provider of safety and comfort for a wife and any potential offspring. While it is true a poor man can find a partner it should come as no surprise that the greater wealth a man possesses the more opportunities he has to find a desirable mate. So we are left with a very complicated answer to what seems like a reasonably simple question.
Unfortunately we are dealing with complex systems based upon an unequal distribution of wealth, power and knowledge. My explanation is quite limited in its scope but explains the answer as I see it.
Unfortunately the answer I've given also infers similar issues with offline dating as ultimately this has little to do with the internet and more to do with society.
The internet plays its own role in this debacle with its inherent anonymity further allowing a debasement of the civilized forms of respect we've come to accept as normal. Consider for instance civilization isn't so much truly civil as it is civil within the confines of its power structures. Also I can attest to the fact that I currently hold an account on okcupid.
I am currently looking for a partner.
Here's What Dating Sites Are Like If You're A Woman
I have also chosen to abstain from competition regarding wealth and power and instead am attempting to find a place on the fringes of society where I can be myself without harming others.
I own very little, earn very little, and struggle to find women willing to get to know someone in my societal position as a potential partner.
Certainly there are many good women open to dating a man such as myself but the difficulty is increased immensely. I have to be honest, your reply, while very interesting on societal analysis level, in very interesting, but it is indeed slightly off topic. I am just surprised, being that Website dating starts with writing and pictures, that men put so little effort in writing.
It would be like going to a date wearing really sloppy clothes. My question was not based upon a society of equals, but it was based on a society where all have access to school, which is the case in the US.
However biased the system is, we all have choices and access to literacy regardless of gender. I was also not considering dating based on a marketing transaction -men with fat bank accounts and women stuck in comfort zones- but based on feelings and building a life with someone of the opposite sex because when you're with that person, you don't feel like you need or wish to be anywhere else. And that has absolutely nothing to do with bank accounts and comfort zones.
But in this country, everything revolves around marketing laws, including what cannot be bought, sold, or quantified. Which is why I don't have an account, because dating accounts are marketing tools, too. That said, you might run into a human being on one of them at some point, because anything is possible.
I really appreciate your succinct description of our issues with marketing in all facets of our life. Regarding the point you have made in regards to how little effort men put into writing as a means of sharing their true selves I would like to suggest that the issue is not limited to men.
I've perused hundreds of women's profiles and I can attest that it is a rare person that writes of themselves in a fashion that isn't simply a marketing job. The vast majority of women's profiles read exactly like a job application. I don't believe the issue has to do with literacy per se. Instead I believe the issue lies with the individuals capacity to think for themselves.
I mentioned education as I believe a large part of the intended goal is to afford people the ability to receive instruction. As opposed to being able to decide whether or not they should be following the instructions. My most recent relationship was with an intelligent and compassionate woman who received a Waldorf education and in turn taught at the Waldorf Highschool she attended.
She repeatedly informed me in our year and a half together that she wasn't comfortable with showing me her true self. Instead she often acted in ways to impress me. Even after we'd been together over a year she was still putting on airs. Certainly this could be attributed to my actions.
However having lived through the experience I can attest that I strove to make her feel loved and accepted as she was. Ultimately what I've come to understand is that she has not yet learned to accept herself. I believe this is incredibly common in our society. After all our marketing systems have done a very thorough job of setting impossible and often inane ideals and as we are both aware the primary victims are women. For someone to truly connect with another person and feel completely content with another they must first know and accept themselves.
In my forty plus years in America I believe that to be a rarity. I have known people of all ages including countless couples who seem to have a better grasp on celebrities lives than they do on their own. I can count perhaps a handful of people I've met who have formed their own systems of belief. The vast majority have simply accepted whatever belief system they were fed without question. It seems as if very few people have done the internal work required to truly know oneself.
That was one of the main points I was attempting to get across. My long winded explanation may have been an ineffectual attempt at explaining my reasoning behind this issue. Thank you for sharing your insight and reasoning behind your disinterest in online dating.
In regards to myself I have done a lot of work to understand the world in my own fashion as opposed to what I was taught.
Dating: 10 Things Men Don’t Do Anymore | PairedLife
My dating profile is quite lengthy and is intended to share who I am as a human being in hopes of finding someone that has done similar work. What I have shared of myself also has the benefit of eliminating a lot of potential conflicts that typically arise in conversations with people as part of the process of getting to know one another.
I have no way of knowing whether or not any of this matters but I figured that trying a new tact certainly cannot cause me to be more single than I already am.
I wonder if the information provided about there being more men than women is for a particular age group? I am reasonably attractive and several of my photos were taken by a professional not altered in any way-I wanted it to be clear that they are really like me and give the date taken.
I've put a lot of effort into my profile so that it gives unique info about me and describes the qualities of a good guy are to me and despite having at least one hundred matches in my region I haven't received any communication sincc e the first week when 2 men contacted me with questions. So I have communicated with several men. Are all the men contacting the same small subset of women or are they to lazy to communicate at all.
Several of the men I communicated with then viewed my profile and neither responded or blocked me. It takes only 2 clicks to block a profile. I find it inconsiderate.
I think I'll connect with you Intellectually. It remains to be seen if I'll also connect spiritualily and emotionally. I'm 19 going on 20 and the first messages are from guys way older than me at 30 and up to their 50's. Where are the dudes closer to my age! Seriously why, Even when I dont have a picture Well, some men prefer younger women maybe for their youth or maybe they feel they can manipulate them before they get older? Some older women are bitter after a divorce or bad relationships with bad men could be another reason.
I am almost 53 and no offense prefer women around my own age, say 47 to I have had younger women in their early 20's to 30's interested on Match: I was married for 24 years, been divorced 3 years. I am 5'7 in shape and the dating world seems wicked since I was married and I have dated some attractive ladies. It does work but the odds are seriously stacked against men. Women, if they know their value and are pretty, want Superman.
They block or ignore them Online dating sucks for men. Women have to weed through the countless messages determining who the winner is.
Pretty accurate assessment when it comes to men. Let's cut to the chase. I have been on and off dating sites for 8 years. Had a couple of relationships but from women, here are some of what I get regularly: To attract men, the majority of women describe themselves as "athletic and toned", "liberal", "love the outdoors" and most of them kayak, mountain climb, zip line, hang glide, parachute, run marathons, swim, etc.
When do they find time for a relationship? I don't think that many men on these sites fit that criteria. Men also exchange messages online and all of a sudden it goes dead but women are online still talking with others but not responding to your last message I have read "no receding hairlines", "no skin problems", "no facial hair", "only vegans should write back", "if you did not vote for Barack Obama don't bother replying", "if you are voting for Trump please don't email me", "no men with brown eyes", "only blue eyes please" and even "if you have toe nail fungus don't bother contacting me".
I could write a book. BTW, these same women call themselves "down to earth" and "looking for a great guy who is thoughtful, caring, a good communicator, financially sound, etc. Myself, I have a great job, financially set, not picky, average looking, 5'7" pounds, etc.
But women are looking for George Clooney, Brad Pitt hey ladies here is your chance I'd say caring who the person is going to vote for is important. If you have liberal views you want someone else who does too.
If you have conservative political views you might not get along with a liberal political view. I personally don't even want to be friends with anyone who would vote for Trump. Why would I be willing to date someone who does? I think if it comes down to values and lifestyle choices, it's ok to state those. But yes, requiring a specific height, hairline, etc is very silly. You also do have to be attracted to the person.
As someone who has dated someone just because they like their personality and has tried to look past their appearance, I can tell you it has lead to be not wanting sex. Now if the guy is ok with no sex, then sure it doesn't matter what someone looks like. But yeah media and society has screwed with both genders view on what is and isn't attractive and that can make online dating, and non-online dating very difficult.
I dated a Liberal woman and no conflicts arose from our political differences. I find it troubling you wouldn't even want to be friends with someone who would vote for Trump, or even someone who wouldn't be friends with another who voted for Hillary.
You sound grossly intolerant of other people's views. You should be open to people with differing views than your own, otherwise you will fall into engaging in groupthink and confirmation bias. In other words, you will not learn much in this world seeking out people who will just agree and affirm your opinions on life. You grow by seeking those out who can show you a different perspective. In my experience, I've found people like you frustrating to say the least.
My favorite moment is when they stop messaging in the middle of conversation. You try again and again but there is no response although she's online, like she had a heart attack suddenly. Another one is when they don't show up. First date and without any warning just no show. Then no response of course.
Love those moments especially when they call men creeps. After several contacts like this in the row, men can start acting creepy, I guess. They learn very quickly to not give any respect to women because they are not going to get it back even when everything is going very well. Well, I'm not there yet but I get pissed sometimes, it's nothing like in real life. I never thought that beeing 5. Asking women to give you a chance and message you back after looking at your message and profile is like women asking you to message and reach out whenyou have zero attraction, nothing in common and zero interest in taking to.
It goes both ways. Just because you're intrested and they aren't doesn't mean they want bad boys and smooth talkers. Men you don't reach out to women you're not attracted to, don't except women to make the exceptions lol. The difference, Brooke, is that men find a wide variety of women attractive. Women all find the exact same men attractive.
The popularity of online dating is increasing day by day as some of amazing apps are already out in the market. We can expect some more apps which will be safe and great to use in the future. I know some girls might not want to hear or accept this but it's a reality. I'm not a pig and I have good intentions, I want nothing more than a real relationship with someone I'm mutually attracted to.
But if I can't have that I will take what I want and go from there. Ladies, my advice is if you take the best men available to you online this is likely to happen. Remember, we men are taking our best options because we're in a totally different ballpark. We get messages once every couple weeks if we're lucky, you gals get up to hundreds in that time-frame and rarely message us back.
It sets you up to be shallow. I probably would be too if the roles were reversed. First let me say that I am by no means attacking any one person in particular and I though it may sound like it at times, the statements I am making are simply my opinion and only my opinion. Beyond that, I do not pretend to be an expert on what women want or what men do incorrectly.
I am merely being as honest as the others on this site to whom I say thank you. So please, know I am coming from the same frustrated place as the thoughtful and honest men and women who have commented here.
I only hope to give my viewpoint to perhaps shed some light however dim, LOL on the incorrect, ill-advised thoughts and information that men make about women vs. And that men and women can somehow reach a semblance of mutual understanding. It is never my goal to exacerbate the problem or further drive a wedge between us.
So- having said all that — whew! Allow me to explain: See, we women love sex, too depending, of course , but we are not coming from the same, ahem, overwhelming pressure point as most men. And so do women. We are human, too. Yes, I admit, we too have eyes and are attracted to someone good looking but guess what? And with men, it is. I cannot speak for all women nor would I claim to,, but I know enough of us sufficient to go out on a limb here and say the following with measured confidence: And they would not be lying about that, either.
A true nice guy, in our minds is a man who treats us with mutual respect, And those guys are cherished and sought after, not overlooked.
Or, if you are, maybe you are not allowing that to shine through in your profile somehow? Please get it straight, please. I am referring to non-physical, non-employment or money-based attributes which we women, go figure , are truly looking for in a partner.
Meanwhile, you guys are doing the ole, what is it? We have to expend a large chunk of our lives and real energy thinking about crap you would never dream of,. Fear and risk are a real thing and do play into the whole online dating thing for us, as much as you might not want to believe it or ever even factor it in. So please, try to remember things beyond your own paradigm.
We will do the same for you. Good luck out there everyone! You did spend a lot of time on your tex to clarify the situation! I salute you for this effort. I do understand and identify to all of what you said.
I am only saddenned that the phenomenon of online dating is a speculative viscious circle where the more men need to date someone, the more selective because submerged women are and therefore the more men need to date someone!
II don't think you are spitting on us and I understand that it is a delicate matter on both sides. Reversing the mechanism will take a lot of goodwilling people ready to change their attitudes!
One guy sent me this message: I can make sure you are kept well dressed and have all the latest handbags. All you have to do is give it to me whenever I want it. My response seeing as men complain that they don't get a response and women are just being rude: I can buy these things on my own as I am self sufficient and make my own way in this world. You sound like you are looking for a whore. You may want to spend your time at a brothel instead of wasting your time on dating sites.
You are everything I am looking for to complete my life. I think we could be great together. My response after looking at his profile or lackthereof as a headless torso with only a vague description of what his interests are or any indication that he has a personality: I am very flattered by your compliment. I can foresee major problems in this relationship already.
You and I can be great together, and that's all we need. You are my perfect dream girl. Sound fair to you? I can dig what you were trying to say here Cause there is a lot of substance.
But some of what you say completely contradicts the evidence that has been compiled on this subject. This isn't an opinion So while I appreciate your input and I do feel there was a lot to gain from it You are completely wrong in your assessment that women aren't as shallow as men.
If anything because they have so many choices They filter them by looks. It's sad but true. As an older woman 49 , I felt obligated to respond to anyone that contacted me, even it it was to acknowledge we did not have much in common I do believe this is one of the downside of online dating We would never think of behaving like this if meeting someone in person but we think it's ok to do so when behind a keyboard.
As mentioned by one of the poster My god you're a saint. Ireally didn't think anyone like you still existed in our society today, I try to do the same but some are so touchy and perhaps so used to ghosting that they lash out, but I still won't stop Your post litterally made my eyes swell and I just nearly cried. I don't need all women to like me, just a little compassion and empathy The unfortunate aspect of "being polite" or "having respect" for individuals who have taken the time to message you is the percentage of men who then lash out in anger or rage when you do send them a succint, polite "thank you, but I don't think we're a match, but good luck to you" message.
Some men resort to insulting your looks, your weight, your single status "oh, i see you're stuck up and think you're too good for guys. Some go so far as to threaten you physically if they ever see you in public. So, while sending a nice, polite "no thank you" message is a lovely thing to do, I'm afraid to say a number of your more rage-filled brethren have ruined that for you and made women absolutely fearful to even attempt to turn a man's interest down, even if politely.
I find the topic of online dating very interesting. I try as much as possible to understand it from both male and female perspectives and I enjoy talking to women about it to see what their experience is like.
I'm not your typical male in online dating, while most of my messages go unanswered I do converse with and meet women online.
The do's and don'ts of dating after 50 - CNN
I've had several relationships from online and I plan on continuing to use it. I'm a 27 year old male and I'm not a "hottie", but I am tall and in shape and maybe that helps me. It seems online dating is starting to get easier for me these days especially. I'm successful which I do say in my profile, and I'm wealthy which my profile does not say. All this being said, there are some major drawbacks for me. We all have our things we're into but I'm often guessing if I'm even attracted to the women I agree to meet.
I take the chance anyways because it's my best option at that time. Some of the women I meet I find attractive, but most of the time they aren't as good looking as girls I would date in real life. As a guy who does really well in a date setting, almost every girl I meet wants to see me again, I'm left frustrated by this. I know I'm a catch, and I carry that with me but online I rarely have the choice to date women I'm attracted to. They come around once in a while but most don't answer me back.
So what do we have here? We have a guy who is dating mostly girls he's not really attracted to because those are his options. But it doesn't end here. I'm human, I like sex, and I will pursue and sleep with girls I'm not totally into if it's been a while. As a guy who's more successful in online dating than most men I just wanted to share my experience.
I know, I'm technically adding to the very problem I'm complaining about by dating and sleeping with women I'm not attracted to. But, can you blame me if that's usually all I can get online?
Meet us halfway, you might find a guy who is amazing and will treat you with love and respect. There is a clear divide in what men and women can attain in terms of physical attractiveness online. Yep you sound like a total catch! Anyone that says they are a "catch" usually are not. This is a fun line, because it's so easy to prove that it is a lie. Last week I sent 20 messages on match that said "Hi, you seem like an interesting woman.
And so we see that what this woman says is a lie. If you still think she's not lying, try if for yourself and you'll see. The problem with Match is that most of the profiles are inactive. The people you messaged probably never saw it to begin with. The best way to get your foot in the door is to find something in their profile to start a conversation about.
Ask them an open-ended question so they start talking about that and themselves. Say they list Adele as one of the musicians they like. You could say something like, "What do you think of Adele's new album whatever? I think her best effort on it was whatever song because What is your opinion? I mean at least it shows you read her profile AND it is a conversation starter.
It would be like saying, "Do you want to go see some movie? It's like when women give you that infamous piece of advice to "just be yourself" Your relative is exactly the wrong example to use for why online dating is bad for women. That's not nearly enough time. Yes, it's creepy that men twice her age were hitting on her, that shouldn't even be allowed. There should be a filter and I think there are more of those now.
Are there going to be total weirdos sending you messages? Yes, but you have the option to ignore every new e-mail as a woman. That means a woman can spend an hour writing five emails to the "perfect" matches they're looking for. They'll get one response and likely that guy will ask her out within a week. If you don't like the creepy emails, don't read them!
Men on the other hand have no other option then to send out hundreds of emails and they better be more then just, "Hey, I love your smile in that one photo and we have this, this, this in common. You have to "perform" for them and they have to get your sense of humor through text. Then if you're good looking and tall at least 6'3' because they're going to assume you're adding three inches you've got a shot.
And even then they might blow you off because they don't want to tell people they met their boyfriend online. I just deleted my profile on OKCupid and I'll tell you why I received many messages from men, some creepy messages Seems that a lot of men are quite happy to remain behind a screen and those who are up to meeting right away are seeking sex.. One man messaged me and stated he found my profile interesting that we had much in common, we messaged back and forth and then he asked for my cell so we could chat Probably because some other woman was more willing to meet up and cut in front of you without the needless back and forth.
Yeah, this seems pretty spot on. For women its a barrage of messages and makes them think thery're god's on Earth, no matter how ugly. For men it's a quiet hole to realize women are a lot more shallow than they knew, no matter how attractive.
This makes the women bat way above their league and the men bat way below. The best part to illustrate this? I'd say all of the women I message first are at least around my physical attractiveness league, but all the women that message me first are way, waaaay below it.
Like obese chicks levels below it. Now if there was a way you could fix this by making an environment that gave men the upper hand and not women Maybe it'd be more balanced. But as it is systems where men get the same features as women on dating sites are stupid asymmetric in terms of payback. Women get crazy shallow and men get crazy depressed.
Interesting idea, but not my experience. I get my fair share of messages.. I'm pretty good looking by most standards, though I'm fully aware I'm not the most attractive, and I often find messages from men who are far less physically attractive than the men I've dated IRL some of whom I've met online! Of all the men, most find my profile interesting and say so, even if there's a blatantly obvious comment about interests, what we're seeking, or looks that should make it obvious that we aren't compatible.
It's like they ignore it and try, anyway. Perhaps again, based solely on my experiences if they spent time seeking and messaging women who seemed like they'd be mutually compatible not just that they find good looking then they'd have more success. I would certainly not waste my time messaging men who I figured wouldn't be interested. It's not genuine, and not a good use of time and energy. First of all, saying "not my experience" is wrong in this case.
You seem to have had success as a woman on these dating sites. Maybe not "the perfect experience", but I can say with certainty that your experience was far better than mine.
My theory here is the odds are stacked in women's favour only on dating sites; don't get this mixed up as a anti-feminist bash fest. It's a pretty big statement to say that men don't get dates because they look way too high out of their league. I did a social experiment in June after never used dating sites. I wanted to take it like a game so that the huge amount of rejection I predicted wouldn't sting so much.
I signed up for 5 different services and sent around message. I also used an auto right swipe bot on the services that provided such a feature. I varied between questions, jokes, statements, compliments.
Any advice I got from anyone, including your grandma, I tried out. I got a professional photographer and only used his photos on the site.
The response rate was terrible. Many of those women I found incredibly compatible, but many I skipped. The "basic bitches", the club rats, the "you-are-crazy-out-of-my-league-ers". My only rule was if I thought I wouldn't hate talking to her I would give it a shot. It didn't tend to matter though; I had 2 terrible dates after two months of work.
Then I started talking to my female friends. They all had pretty good conversation rates, getting anywhere from messages per day. And their conversations tended to last if they wanted it to.
What I realized was the dynamic was completely different; women naturally start becoming a lot more arbitrarily selective because of this constant initiation. If you don't stand out with your picture as a man you're doomed to failure: Whether or not you would be a great fit, whether or not you're a secret agent or a millionaire. So to say the reason I saw so much rejection was because I focused on women way out of my league is a total insult.
It's a hypocrisy too; you keep having success being totally selective but advise others to bat lower. It's mindsets like this that keep traditional dating sites as traps for the average joe. I think both men and women both have the raw end of the stick. But to say "women have it easier or men have it easier" is ridiculous.
I think it's basically about finding a needle in haystack and that takes patience, and a lot of us both men and women don't have the patience. Looking for Love these days is like looking for a needle in a haystack especially when many of us men keep meeting the Wrong Women all the time.
Agghhh I agree with the "needle in the haystack" comment, I don't agree with "many of men keep finding the wrong woman" it goes the same way for women trying to find men! This article is infuriating because it is dumb, based on no factual evidence and sexist You are better than that: One man feedback, one woman feedback and we get, quote: I agree that the article is very brief without any real findings.
However, the excellent comments more than make up for it. Dating sites are full of incurable dreamers looking for something that doesn't exist. In the case of women, unattractive yet fussy old mingers who think they are gods gift to men. They could all find somebody locally on the street, in a supermarket or wherever without wasting their precious and limited time and money on rip-off dating sites. Try being a divorced single mother who works a full-time job.
I get a decent amount of messages. Most start off in the most disgusting and degrading way, which is such a shame since these guys are very attractive and don't need to be so crass to get attention. But such disrespectful messages, particularly as your initial greeting, I will delete straight away. Then I get down to the decent messages. I have to ask where they live and work and I flag with them that they are my standard initial questions due to my situation.
My daughter lives with me, but alternate weekends she is with her father. I don't want to commit my free weekends to anyone until I've met them first and have decided that I would like to progress. My free time is scarce so I'd like it to not go to waste.
No problem, they say. As soon as I tell them that that weekend is my weekend with my daughter, but if we have an initial coffee meet-up some time in the week, I would be open to spending time with them the following weekend my free weekend. Don't hear from them again. One guy even said to me "So if I wanted to have a wild night with you, I'd have to schedule it? That's a huge inconvenience and turn-off!
Needless to say, it's a huge confidence reducer! Unfortunately, when a woman is raising kids, it puts her in a similar position in the dating world as a typical man. Women can easily find reasons to reject potential suitors.
A friend forwarded me an article about looks on the dating site OkCupid. It blew my mind. According to this article…. After coaching women for many years, I already suspected this, but this was a stark realization when you see just how few men you even find to be average looking.
OkCupid reports that the most attractive women still receive 5X more email than average women and 28X more email than unattractive women. The most attractive men get 11X more than unattractive men. To sum up, women find most men ugly, but write to them anyway. Men find most women reasonably attractive but spend their time writing only to the hottest ones. Yep, that sounds about right. A huge problem with online dating is that we have an unrealistic set of expectations about how things work.
Looking at the pictures of their highly-rated and average males and females, I think I realized part of the problem. I thought the employees were far better looking than their high quality users. I can think of a couple instances off the top of my head. Both men are balding, but professionals, super nice, intelligent, thoughtful, in good shape, and fun to hang around. Women are overlooking such fabulous men because of their hair follicles?
I have four sisters so at any family reunion situation I get to hear, whether I want to or not , their difficulties in love and family real and imagined. I know that they have no problems attracting men — in fact that might be part of the problem. When I asked for a serious answer they said that all other measures of success and appeal being equal, education, job, fitness level they would always rate a bald ing man as less desireable.
I point all of this out simply to illustrate that women and men are equal in their capacity for shallowness. A more kind assessment might be that people are entitled to their preferences without explanation. If women are so rejecting of bald men, why are men shaving their heads?
I have no problem with bald men. If I am not attracted to a bald man, his baldness has nothing to do with it. When things looked like they could get sexual, and I put the brakes on in order to get to know them better, they both opted out of getting to know me better.
So I am not angry at these men because when I was honest with them, they were honest with me. So I am just not buying into this notion that bald men have it harder than men with hair. I know a lot of bald men who are considered very sexy. In fact, one of the bald men where I work, I would say that more than half the women in the office have an office crush on him. He is however happily married, so me, and every other woman in the office have to limit our feelings to our fantasy life.
I must admit, that men with huge all over the face bushy long beards are a real turn off to ME. For me to try and become attracted to a man with a Santa Clause beard would be like most men trying to get past a very overweight woman. Men AND women are both entitled to their preferences without explanation. Any more than we should have to explain our food preferences, or why we prefer the color purple over the color orange.
So you think about that, the next time you think your dating experience is bad. Trust me… men who start to loose their hair often say damn! It often works out ok that way though…. Most men who are balding shave their heads because it look silly and make them appear older with just little hair perking from the sides while the top is gone and the front is recessing.
I am not attracted to balding men, or men with shaved heads and so is my friend. My friend dated a man online for 5 years.. Anyhow, while they were dating, she asked him if he was losing hair and he said no that he went to the doctor and they told him that it was nothing and he felt it was stress and it was growing back.
She teased him about going bald in the future and again he said no. She said that 2 years later they met in person and he was almost bald especially in the back and top and she almost turn around and get the next plane to return home. Anyhow, she decided to get to know him in person. Did she leave him…NO she said she had already fallen in love with him and still is.
Now who are they joking…not me. Lee said somewhere at 1. I am a big wuss about rejecting men to their face, and usually try to be non-commital about a 2nd date if I am not sufficiently attracted to them.
However, there have been times where I have been pressed for an explanation, either in person, or by e-mail. One man had some back teeth that literally looked wolf fangs. I would never pour salt on the wound and tell a guy it was some physical characteristic, because 1. It is cruel and 2. What if I am 46, bald with my head shaved, tall but somewhat over weight by 40 pounds?
Sounds like you grew up around sallow girls. Girls on the other hand does. This is why they end up being lonely. There are women who choose a man, for who that are on the inside. A soul mate comes from within. I use to be a girl, until I learned its not about the outside of a person.
They are not happy with themselves. This country is circling the bottom of the toilet. Except for immigration Americans have a birth rate below replacement level.
The average college educated woman views career as number one, and a husband and child as accessories to the career. When the 3 months maternity leave is over, if not sooner, that accessory-to-career child is going into daycare where he or she will be cared for by a succession of daycare providers, and probably suffer detachment syndrome.
Society has broken down. The vast majority of Americans are fornicators and adulterers. Superrich control freaks and their useful idiots have doubled the number of homosexuals and transvestites through strategic media and political campaigns. Darwinism is the state religion. Christianity is largely in a shambles. Under Clinton, Bush, and Obama, foreign spies have so proliferated government, industry, and the military we would have no chance of winning a major war. Obama is knowingly letting Islamic fighters into this nation, even paying them in, even flying them in.
He gives every evidence of being a Sunni Muslim. He bows to foreign kings. Women work because they want a career more than anything else, and because the Fed owner and Congress want them to pay the PITI and income taxes to get it on artificially-inflated very expensive large homes.
Women got the vote and reason, rationality, and logic went out the window. Politics and government are controlled by the same group of criminals. The only hope is a national Christian revival. I read this study about 2 weeks ago. I have always known that women were just as visual as men. We always have been. Although, there has been centuries of attempts in socializing us to ignore our natural tendency to be the visual creatures we are.
And yes, I was one of those women who only contacted the best looking guys on the site knowing I was competing with many other women for his attention. I think that people who have unrealistic expectations for who they are seeking out romantically may have some issues with commit.
Or they are just not ready to forge a relationship with anyone. In my case, a few years ago if I had met the guy who possessed every quality I was looking in a man in terms of looks, personality and social status showed up, I would have ran in the other direction out of fear. I may still have some growing up to do in this. On one particular dating site, you have the option of having your pictures evaluated by other members, where you are rated on a scale of in terms of looks.
I thought what to heck — let them rate me. And as I remembered, my average rating was a 9, according to the others members. There it is I said it. I literally get sick to my stomach when people talk about something as superficial as looks.
I know its not particularly manly to want girls to look at you but once in a blue moon would make my day. I can honestly say that if I was forced to choose between being single for the rest of my life or being married to a man I was not physically attracted to, I would rather be single. I would dread having sex and make excuses not to do it. Hi Crystal, I totally agree with you. I am in my 30s and definitely feel the crunch of less men on dating sites being remotely interested, I think I am about an 8.
A lot of the guys I tried to date when I was in my 20s were disrespectful jerks, and some were even cruel. So I never found anyone…all of the sudden I feel more and more faced with the real prospect of a life without a partner.
I never really had much relationship experience overall, because guys were so non committal etc…anyways, it is very difficult to make yourself try to desire someone physically whom you just do not…even when they are most wonderful. I suppose partner love does not find each and every one of us.