Fix Your Picker Tips
I know for myself that I loved someone well and faithfully, raised our children, stayed in shape, contributed financially and always did more than my share in almost every area. I make a mean spaghetti? Will I be replaced by Olive Garden at random? I have a new boss with whom I work closely. A gift to get to know someone slowly over a year who appreciates me, compliments my work, and then does his own.
I know what a good employee I am, but it still feels super strange to have someone just be nice. I could write a whole blog on this one. You might have to move over, Chump Lady!! Since nobody would want that, I will try to keep it short and to the point. Lets look at what the right guy wants, or even needs, even if he does not know it, versus what you are offering.
As I mentioned in other posts, he is looking for a partner, but the point is, he needs a partner in all aspects of his life. That means someone he can share past experiences with, both positive and negative, and discuss what was learned from those experiences. In short, I am talking about wisdom. He needs somebody that he can discuss the day-to-day challenges with, both personal and professional, to determine the best course of action, taking into account the empathy required for the other side of the challenge.
I am talking about integrity, kindness and honesty.
He needs somebody who will challenge him to expand his world to include other interests and experiences. You are not his clone. You have other interests, and he may find he enjoys them simply because you do. He needs somebody who can accompany him to required social engagements, both personal and professional, who will not embarrass him by her conduct, who he is proud to have by his side.
I am talking about maturity. He needs somebody who he can set both short-term and long-term goals with, determine how those goals will be achieved, and work with together to achieve those goals.
They mean so much more when they are achieved by joint partner efforts. It is not about the cooking and the cleaning. If he has been at all successful, he can simply pay to have that done if he does not wish to do them himself.
It is not even about the sex, although of course, sex is important. For a decent mature man, sex is not about getting off. It is about sharing the intimate experience with the most important person in his world.
It is not your duty. It is something that you both share because you respect and love the other. With the right guy, you bring that. In short, I am talking about mutual respect, honesty, integrity, empathy, wisdom, maturity, the perfect combination of selfishness and selfless-ness, and all the other aspects of that perfect partner relationship.
That is what he is looking for. That is what he needs, even if he does not know it. You bring that to the relationship table, and its value is priceless. Aeronaut I know you wrote to deedee but……. Yeah the OW is Regardless of looks and age they seek out someone with a lack of class and morals. The Limited is at the end of his supply peak. He turned sixty this summer. I on the other hand am fairly attractive, earn a good salary and have a degree I earned later in life.
My therapist pointed out that I am not the woman he started with. Here is an article I found empowering. Essentially it says, look at all these celebrity chumps. They clearly did not get cheated on because they are less than, ugly, poor earners, out of shape, or whatever b.
I respectfully have to disagree with one of your statements, Aeronaut. A man in his 50s looking for a woman in her 30s is just not right under any circumstances. And what good reason is there for a woman in her 30s to accept a man in his 50s as the father of her babies?
Yes, I agree having kids that late can be selfish and inconsiderate. They have babies that late just because they can. Cheater x is turning 61, just married 29 year old AP, and had a brand new baby. Our teens cannot resist the baby. There is a high rate of sever mental illness in folks who have older fathers it has to do with how long meiosis has been going on and the possibility for genetic accidents after that much time.
These psych disorders often dont manifest until about the age of 20…so when wifetress is 50 and has an 81 year old hubby, she may find her 20 yr old in deep difficulty. I dont wish this on young people, Im not judging, its just a thing. She was old enough to be high daughter. I was plagued with insecurity — even though they had already broken up months before I met him.
They broke up because she hounded him for a baby and he would not comply. His words, not mine. BTW I was 10 years younger than my X and know what he said about me the last 18 years? I totally believe your man when he says he ran out of things to talk about with the 28 year old.
Happy for you that you found a good one! McCheater-Pants must have lacked all the spiritual and emotional intangibles that make sex transcend the physical act. Nice crisp sunny day today, eh? Note his blameshifting for the years of so-called bad sex riiiiight with someone 20 years his junior. So, I used to spackle over this same type of shit. My first boyfriend hurt me so bad in that department. When I knew better, it was really hard to forgive him in my heart, but now I just laugh because he missed out.
The bad sex was always blamed on me. I am now in a relationship with my first crush 1st grade. He tells me I am the best lover he has ever had in his life. We have been dating for a year and a half and still have sex multiple times a day. I agree with Deedee. Chumps have the capacity for this connection with another person. That is why my ex needed the excitement of bjs and anal sex with a howorker in the minivan in the elementary school parking lot. They like being able to talk about things in common.
They may be worried about their own appearance and age or sexual attractiveness. Enthusiasm and a sense of humor is essential to good fucking. Everything else can be learned. Look at ads, see the smooth perfect face of the woman selling the perfume, see the craggy wrinkled face of the man selling the cologne. Culture, men are allowed to age, women are not. I see culture that thinks a man with a woman years younger is OK.
At the same time the same age differential woman to man is considered awful or weird. Patriarchy, statistically women live longer and healthier in general than men, the age differential should skew to older women and younger men in relationships. Alas, it seems that our cheaters prefer women of questionable moral character regardless of age.
Mine left me for some who is 7 years old then me and him. Of course she has no moral character, she was married and sleeping with a married man. I was married to cheaterX for 26 years, so the last time I dated was in the mid s! I have no idea how to date anymore. At 60, I am loving my partnerless life. There are a lot of us single folks out there. Violet — what a wise soul your nephew is!
And how wise you are too. I love everything you wrote. Count me into this too Violet. Am 55 and am very happy with my single existence. I am not afraid to date, I just choose not to. Add me to the mix. Having the best time! No one grumbling about anything or trying to ruin it all. Going where I want, when I want. Currently sitting at a great campsite in the New Mexico desert enjoying my first cup of coffee and a wonderful brisk, scented breeze.
Tessie, You made my day. I am smiling, picturing you at your campsite enjoying the warmth and peace. You certainly deserve this Tessie.
I hope you are in a very happy spot next Tuesday. I will be 70 in a couple of weeks. Have been on my own now for 6 years. The first few years were hard after 33 years of marriage. But now, I am actually happy this all happened. I am a much more together, contented person that I ever was. I have the best family and friends a person could ever want. I do mean they are just friends. We volunteer together, have coffee together and lots of laughs.
I hope this balanced life continues. I too am around your age. Karma hit my ex.. Tessie, you are one of my heroines! I can picture you there enjoying your morning coffee and I just want to say, Awesome! Enjoy the view and the coffee and the peace. Tessie, That sounds amazing! Tessie…you are my hero!!
I wish I was there with you at that campsite enjoying a cup of jo. Tessie — Your birthday is the 21st? Happy birthday to you! Last night, I walked into my home after work and into a surprise birthday party, arranged by my daughter.
My dearest friends, my family — my two brothers, one who had to make special arrangements to fly home a day early from a business trip and the other who drove miles to be here to surprise me — my dear mom, my son and his girlfriend- a house full of love and laughter.
Shithead cheater would NEVER have botherd — never did bother in nearly 40 years of marriage, but expected a parade and adulation on his birthdays. Why thank you, and happy birthday to you too sister Scorpio. That is so cool that your family would do something so loving for you. I date a Very Kind Man but live alone and that will never change till I toddle off to assisted living or whatever is up ahead….
It was akward at first. Instead of alone I consider myself independent. Living with a man who led a double life nearly broke me. The fucker claimed he liked single after Dday. We have a great time together. Being single opens up a whole new world and living in it without a fucking cheater is amazing. I am in a committed relationship with a 47 yr.
My husband left me unexpectedly Jan. I still cry nearly everyday.
He was the nicest, sweetest, most generous man i had ever known, so i thought. Throughout the marriage i always felt like i was in the dark about money and his secretive ways.
He was able to leave me so easily, no financial reprocussions. His company brings in 30 million a year and i am financially destitute.
My mom wants me to fight the prenupt. I am such a Chump! I need to fix my picker!!! Sounds like your ex was a pathological, abusive, cheating turd. When you are still crying every night, you are not yet to the place where you emotionally realize this, even if you do so intellectually. NOT a good time to start dating again. You will get there!
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On the day you finally do, you will realize that by getting rid of X you dodged a bullet. To have to grow old with that narc shitbox, no matter how wealthy he is, will probably be hell.
Schmoopie will get her karma. Till then, probably the best thing to do is learn how to have fun for yourself, without a lover. When you are able to do that, you will be able to date again, and be innoculated against these narcs. Have fun, and hope those tears are a thing of the past soon. Run that prenup by an attorney or two. And see a therapist before you end up with another Asshole. In hinesight, it was because of the prenuptial contract, i always felt like i could be replaced in heartbeat.
One lesson is fixing our pickers is learning to pay attention to what people DO. He was just a guy who love bombed you with money that HE controls. But…I loved my partner fiercely and we built a family together that was the most important thing in the world to me. I went on a few dates with someone one year after LadyLiar left our home, but there were red flags hey!
When you trust yourself, it will be time to consider dating again. If you date an addict, you are setting yourself up for trouble. Luckily I was able to pay him out of the house and I will not let any one move in again.
I have lots of friends and will be happy on my own one day. And I recently discovered chocolate-flavoured red wine. Hi, long-time lurker here with a good chocolate wine recommendation. The boyfriends prior to the now ex husband were cheaters. My dad was a cheater.
Fun loving, never met a stranger, outgoing realize now as kibble seeking. Never needed a huge circle of friends and socializing exhausts me.
My Ex is an extreme extrovert. Always center of attention; hogs the limelight; everyone is a friend; constantly talking to strangers everywhere he goes. He preferred strangers over me because I was a devalued kibble-dispenser who was no longer dazzled and WOWed by his sparkly sparkles. So grateful I found this place!! Also an introvert and very reserved, and mostly prefer to be at home watching tv or reading. And my STBX and his whore are both so narcissistic.
And then, after DDay 2 1st one between them , I started realizing how similar the two of them are. I have had a very bitter awakening that I was so used to being used and manipulated by my then-spouse, I was also badly used and manipulated by my work…it was awful to wise-up to the amount of crap I took from them.
I tried to force them to do right by me and they refused. My legal recourse had passed its statute of limitations had been exceeded so yea, we can get so accustomed to abuse that it feels normal. I gave myself a pat on the back the other day for ending a phone conversation with a friend because another call I was expecting came in.
This comes from years of putting my needs aside. It seems ridiculous and extreme. I took more abuse from my former boss than I should have too. I guess I thought it was ok because he abused everybody else too. I am fortunate to now work for a company that values me and the work I do. That worked out so maybe I will find the right guy someday too.
I can always hope. I can pay lip service to the idea of dating but it in reality, it is like talking about that trip down under I would like to take one day. It is a possibility but it is more of a dream at this point. The catch 22 is love bombing can be subtle and confused with just niceness. The things fuckwit did when we dated seemed like nice touches not grandiose. Now I can total them up with speed , his subtle: I am just a dumb tradesmen, everyone is jealous of you, and I love you after only 3 weeks probably the most glaring red flag I spackled over.
I recently had to get a new auto policy and the agent I went to is a friend of many years but not someone I am close to at all. He is going through a divorce so we have talked about the awfulness of it.
Anyway, he has been telling me that I could sell insurance and it would be a great way to work from home. I told him I will consider but find myself completely analyzing him and his motives and wanting to distance myself from him. I may have good reason but who knows. I feel like I do a complete character analysis of everyone I know and meet. It makes me feel judgemenatal and snobby. Is there a happy medium?
You were and are still being traumatized by what he did. It may take some time to let your guard down. And until you get more confident in your instincts, I think you will be analyzing people. Not every person you know well needs to be in your inner circle.
I think most chumps probably have a higher than average degree of empathy which makes us vulnerable. I think people open up to me because I am non threatening but then I tend to be too open in return. Oh, how true CL. I used to be a Chump in every aspect of my life except as a Mom, I am an awesome parent, not Chumpy at all.
My sister, brother, and both my parents tried to control, shame, and use me after my divorce. How shocked they were, when I shut that shit down CN style! No more Narc abuse in my life, I see that coming and head it right off at the pass!
I love my new freedom and self sufficiency. I have realized during this whole process that I have a seriously defunct picker. She is subtle and often times I leave a conversation wondering wtf just happened. Just the other day, we were talking about a tragedy that happened 15 years ago involving the death of a small boy 18 months.
He drowned in a river under the supervision of a babysitter. My friend knew the family, who at the time were living on the river in a camper. After finding out about the boys death and the location where he drowned, we realized we were nearby hiking along the hillside of a canyon.
I remember being shocked that this happened near where we were. I absolutely do not recall her really wanting to talk with anyone nor that I had to go anywhere. But in that instant I felt like she was somehow indicating that the tragedy may have been prevented if not for me.
Even if it was true and she begged me to see her friends and I insisted we leave, why someone would further potential feelings of guilt involving such a tragic incident is something I cannot understand. I knew who he was within a week, he confirmed it within a month. Thing is, I would normally leave the job but finding work that is 4 days a week telework is not easy, I like it. Sabotage, lying, omitting info, fucking with rep, you name it he does it, and he does it very well.
He has gotten rid of good people in favor of incompetent sycophants. At this point, I will drive him off this job or he will cave to appropriate behavior. Good for you Dat. It is tough having to fight for what is yours, but sometimes, necessary. You are courageous, and canny enough to know when to throw in the towel. And that makes relationships with some people impossible.
I moved across the country to be closer to my family. The plan was that my narc and I would relocate. I went first, as I got a job first. My ex was meant to follow me. But did he apply for jobs in my city. He applied for one. What did chump me do? Stay in my new city? Ugh, the waste of money, time, not to mention stress of changing jobs interstate within 12 months. So… chumpy me moved back. However, it made me mighty.
I turned down a 30k a year raise and moved cross country to be with my stbx. Exactly One week before I move cross country to keep our family together. Call your old colleagues, see if there is an opening for you to return, if not, find another job, hating the job is a soul killer. Yep, and look at it as a stepping stone. Work hard, build networks, and apply again. You can do it! As Datdumwuf said, you could network with old colleagues?
Besides, he was quick to get a job before me, and im sure he also did it to have a valid reason not to move and ask me to. And yet, i guess i projected, thinking he was insecure about leaving his home town, because thats how i felt about leaving. I would never move for a man. I would never give up a cat for a man or a car for a man.
Not even their father. A basic bottom line is to make sure you always have the means to take care of yourself. Yup, learned that the hard way! I believed in fairy tales and thought a traditional family with split, as well as shared, responsabilities was possible. Yes, yes, and triple yes. The only caveat I would make to moving for someone is do it only if it is a move you would make for yourself.
I have moved twice for a man; the last one the move with Hannibal Lecher , I gave up job security and money to do so. While this made me vulnerable, it also allowed my children to have a much less-stressed out mother, and both moves were long-term beneficial for me. Frankly, I count the move to my current location as one of the 4 best things to come out of the marriage 2 of the others are my children.
Yes, so much yes! I learnt this the very hard way when I tried to sustain long distance with a guy based in London he works in finance and I am a freelancer. Asia to London flights werent cheap and I ruined my finances. I applied franctically to jobs, took unpaid holidays from work to visit him, tried to spare him the distress of this process as much as possible. He ultimately revealed that ldr was killing him and he felt he was wasting his youth… We are both thirty and those words were like a knife to the heart….
As I do the post mortem on my marriage of almost 20 years, my mind wonders back through my life with cheater and even to the dating time period. And cheater is definitely the sad sausage type. Being chumped now twice by cheater for different schmoopies over the years, I look at people differently.
I was on vacation with the kids this summer and relaxing in the pool. There was a woman standing by the pool in her bikini talking to a husband and wife in the pool. I realized through overhearing the conversation that her husband and kids were back at the room. It sounded like she was stalking the husband.
She was a kibble seeking ho. I found it amusing watching these women and their intense interest in talking to X, occasionally glancing over at me with a fake smile. Being a Chump it never occurred to me that their intentions were anything but friendly. If I ever get involved in another relationship I will never be that naive again. I will no longer tolerate or waste my time with anyone pretentious or fake.
I was the Pollyanna of making excuses for questionable behavior and looking for the good in people. We have a second brain in our guts, look it up, and yeah, trust it. It felt so genuine, it went through my body. It made me think that warm, kind people do exist after all. After some internal wrestling, some days later I peeked at him on FB and yeah, he appears to be an overt narc, fame-thirsty and with quite a vulgar streak.
Unknown, your comment really hits home for me. I remember one of the first things my new step-mother said to me when I met her: It was the writing on the wall that I was going to be pushed as far away from my Dad as she could and as far as he would allow.
Now I know the proper response: Such a shame, such a shame. Yeah we def see people differently now. They constantly are needy of it and thrive on it. They just have it. Cocky ones are the self-centered narcs who will never have enough. Stay away from that. Wow, this is going too far friends. A guy gives a warm smile and you look at FB later and decide he must be a narc.
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That is not normal, more to learn about yourself in order to learn about fixing the picker. Plenty of people are genuinely confident and give a similar vibe to those who seek attention at first glance. The ability to know the difference is often in simply getting to know them. I almost wrote a joke to end this but it would probably convince you I really am a narc, LOL.
We must all exercise our best judgement and I let people do that. I am tall, and articulate, and light up a room. And then I need to go sleep for a day and a half.
Sometimes happy, warm, friendly people are really just happy, warm and friendly. And thank you for mentioning the single parents with special needs. This is by far my hardest mind challenge. Not thinking anyone will take me on because my daughter will never achieve independence unless a miracle, of course. Fixing your picker post divorce has proven to be quite the challenge.
This will be an amazing post to refer back to! I million thanks CL!! The most happiest — married men 2. The second happiest — single women 3. The third happiest- single men 4.
The least happiest — married women I thought it was interesting. Just some food for thought. Ex MIL did trips with other widowed women in her church and the priest. She was telling me a few years ago how the priest had noted when a wife died, the husband was married again within a year.
When the husband died, the wife was fighting off the widowers with a stick and going on road trips—happy as could be!
I quickly walked away sat down for the service. I thought he must be drunk or on something! Well not 3 weeks later he was with his new girlfriend. This couple were married for 50 odd years, he was the minister at the church. My friend has confided all sorts of horror stories about her father who has since passed away. One less creep in the world! I think men have a hard time being alone in general, not just cheaters and narcissists. But men still have a need for bonding human connections, and often the only source for that is through a romantic partnership.
Thus, men seek to be partnered more than women do, especially later in life after the childbearing years are over. This is definitely true for me. I have lots of female friends, and several very close relationships with women, including my sister and my daughter. I think it has a lot to do with our culture, men are raised with being taken care of, while women are raised to be the caretakers. Boys are not taught to take care of others the way girls are as children, not just teaching but experiencing it, seeing how their parents interact.
She was quite content with her garden, books, and her cat. Analysis was the married men were receiving emotional support, and the divorced women were so damn glad to be free of being expected to provide it unreciprocated.
I fully believe that married women are in dead last place for happiness. As if I needed more reasons never to remarry. I know there are happily married women out there somewhere though I do not know any in real life— they all wish they had an equal partner at home.
I just decided I plan on moving forward under the assumption that I will stay single. Making a happy life on my own is my goal.
Ive always strongly believed in wanting, not needing. Funny thing that I always knew he scored low on moral development, but I never equated that to cheating.
I really bought into the idea of dynamics in a relationship…. Thought of ever being vulnerable and giving my heart to anyone ever again, utterly terrifies me. Guy came to house recently to clean my carpets and upholstery. I had the full on blitz of gushing compliments. What beautiful skin, bone structure…. It can be our little secret. Are there any honest men left in this world?
Can you report that guy to his company? That was classic sexual harassment, completely inappropriate behavior. I did think about reporting him but to be honest I was worried it would give him an excuse to come back. Was just so relieved to be rid of him. I noticed that my dogs seemed extra clingy and protective too. Wow, Natalia, that guy was a real aggressive creep. Perhaps these people who lack empathy actually instead have a sort of radar that detects pain levels.
They then assume that heightened pain equals easy pickings. Looking back, I see now that these guys move insanely quickly, lack professional boundaries, love bomb with words, and expect instant payoff with a date or sex. Stay strong and know your worth. Emotionally is another story but getting there. This is NC day So sorry to hear something similar happened to you and your sister. Have a friend,female or male, come over for coffee next time you have a handyman come do work inside your house.
They are either checking you out is she single? Him knowing the address is creepy. I think this is something to watch out for too, love and chumpiness.
I think we probably send wounded prey vibes and they draw vultures. Fixing my picker … setting boundaries. At 43 years of age, this is a startling new concept for me. For over four decades, I had no idea this was necessary!
All of these people showed me who they were and I refused to believe them at the time. Now, I believe a person — and I act on that knowledge. What they need to understand is that I finally found it.
Good for you JessMom! I have followed your posts and you are truly mighty! We all need to remember what good and special and smart people we are! I have a good life now and just need to get on with the business of living it.
Cheers to all us mighty chumps! I am with you on not bothering to find another partner. I have a full life — and so much to work through in myself still. I have set up firm boundaries with my family of origin and stay far away from them with good reason! They want me to keep playing the scapegoat in our family dynamics and I refuse. He is also a closet alcoholic — he kept it hidden until after we were married and yes, in hindsight, there were red flags I missed.
A while after I ended our marriage legally and moved out there is a one-year waiting period where I live! She was and still is physically abusive to the men in her life. I really like this guy, and thoroughly enjoy his company, but he is still on the mend.
The few times my ex could bring himself to touch me — I can count the number of times we were naked togeher in our entire marriage using my fingers — he abused and demeaned me.
I refuse to call it sex. It was some other horrible thing. Fellow Chump has some other red flags towering rage misdirected at me instead of his ex, self-harm. We go to the same church, and so see each other every week. This is going to be horribly difficult. Sorry about the long rambling story!
I have been reading CL every day for years, and I will keep coming back every day. Believe what he is showing you. He will be willing to misdirect all anger at you.
Thank you for your insight, Jojobee, and thank you for taking the time and energy to reply. CN is a lifeline. My gut is yelling at me to get out. I just need to muster the courage to do what my gut is telling me! Also, I keep falling into the mental trap of trying to end things with the least possible amount of hurt for him — but then I catch myself amd remember that I can only control MY acctions and responses, not his. I am a dude, and this is how I recommend you dump him.
Meet in a coffee shop with an outdoor area. In public for safety, but no meal to linger over. Be as clear as possible. We will not be friends ever. You may well want to be friends with him at some point, but if you wimp out and even hint at that you are only making it more difficult for him and yourself.
Rip that fucking bandage off quickly. Over the years I made excuses for their lack of respect, and treating me as if I was something they needed to scrape off the bottom of their shoe. I realized after finding CN that I was pick me dancing, wanting them to like me. I was afraid of hurting their feelings but not anymore. My feelings are a priority now. No one has my permission to treat me with disrespect. But, goodness, yanking off those dance shoes and hurling them into the dumpster is so liberating!
The lack of reciprocity, the focus on their needs and the shrinking of your own. Also, to be frank, the ambient resentment and sense of moral smugness that can be very addictive.
I am instinctively attracted to narcs and sociopaths. This is an excellent list CL! Through self reflection on my dead marriage and experience afterward, I found my major hooks of pity and sparkles. I will always be attracted to sparkly people with passion for the things they do, who tell a good story and stir my hope.
I have the exact same issue. I met a woman soon after the abandonment began who had grief issues as I did and who I could relate to. We did help each other in the beginning and I am very fond of her. A year later the red flags are blowing in the wind yet I cant say the words for fear of how she would take my rejection. Clearly even 16 months after DDay my picker is still not fixed — I would appreciate any words of wisdom that CN could impart.
Honesty is the best policy, and it will be a huge relief to get it over with. Bookending works like this: This helps me to face things I dread. Also during the breakup you can be encouraged knowing your bookend friend will be there for you after. He has baggage from his divorce 10 years ago. I hope no one takes offense to that statement. This is just my opinion of my current relationship. I feel that he wins if I allow that to happen. This is just where I am in moving forward.
Sunflower and others, clearly if we want to date, there are guys out there. Some may not be the right ones. In the long run its better for both of you to end it now. I know I need to break it off, and that I will feel lighter once I do. One thing for sure, you will feel lighter. I wen out with a guy, about 3 months. Great guy, on paper. Either way, once I pulled off the band aid, I felt a lot better. And from the sounds of it, who cares what he thinks.
You know you best. My therapist gave me this idea for how to dump a narc safely— start acting so needy that the narc eventually dumps you. And as a corollary, Ghosting was practically invented for escaping narcs. You can just ghost and start seeing other people without needing to have a sit down conversation with the narc, just move on with your life. It takes a special kind of asshole to be this way, and we all know atleast one.
Plus there is the very real possibility of this backfiring — often if a narc senses a fellow narc, that is attractive to them as a challenge. Lots of red flags. I also found a receipt of his where he bought drinks for someone in a bar while we were living together… he never mentioned to me that he met anyone.
He was super secretive about his money and where it all went and what he had done with it. I tried several times to get him to talk to me about what was going on and to talk about money before we got married.
That was not going to happen. I received a call from my bank,went through the purchases,looked at a map and realized the points of purchase were on the way to the hydroponic grow house Mr.
Narcengineer was constructing with his son. Done and done-swimming against the tide of being raised to be polite and proper…and a chump! Demands work great to repel any narc! Free yourself up for someone who you can be in a long term relationship with. Imagine if you knew the person you were seeing was on a website writing the same things about you that you are about them.
It was not pretty. He changed from channel of self pity to rage before I cut him off and blocked his phone number and on Facebook. He can think what he wants, I just have to be done.
Well, I am about to write a post below about how learning to be alone is the first step to fixing your picker. I spent 3 decades propping up my fuckwit and I am afraid I would have no idea what a different partner looks like.
I was the rescuer to that passive aggressive, personality-disordered jerk. I realize that role must have served my needs and so it is not just about rejecting losers but also trying to figure out why thought I needed to do any propping up at all. I made us wealthy with my money management investing and administrative skills and similar high salary. He is a very low-ambition type otherwise except for the current run-from-mortality chasing of 25YO Schmoopie, he has energy for that for now in the love bombing time, but I know he still sucks with her and she will be discarded, too.
His 3 siblings did not have the good fortune to marry decent people and are living in filthy hoards with serious crazy and drug-addled lifestyles. I have been over-responsible. He hated that, and yet never stepped up when there were ample opportunities for him to.
I was trained that he will never, ever be around when I need him: He left me with his dying father the entire family did, I was the one there when he actually passed away, not one of the fucking losers could handle it. He is a moody teenage boy at best and a flaming disordered asshole at worst. Your mate choice sounds like it was a feature of your youthful inexperience, and maybe parents who failed to advise you not to marry your high school sweetheart, not so much a mature person with a bad picker issue.
Know that this is false logic, and that you bring so much more to a relationship than life management skills. The first guy I dated waited till Ex had been moved out a year was …. Cheated on his ex wife twice! He came out of the gate pursuing hard red flag someone who felt lonely would overlook.
The new me listened to what I wanted, and his reaction to my clearly stated wants was very telling. Fixing my picker is a hard and ongoing process. I find the hardest thing is bouncing back to my old pattern of questioning myself, because in healthy relationships you consider the other persons perspective. That way I hold onto myself without being selfish.
The weekend after I returned from taking my DD to College for her freshman year 2. Lots of opportunities to fix your picker there! But I have to say that going through the process was therapeutic. Writing a description of myself and choosing photos reminded me to focus on my best qualities and to clearly state my expectations and dealbreakers needless to say, I googled each guy I went out with to check that they were actually divorced.
And going on dates was a picker-fixer too. The guy who straight up asked how many dates before sex? Guy whose daughter is extremely allergic to cats? I have 3; college daughter has asked me to bring them to visit Pass. Guy that I find so physically unattractive?
Pass ok, not my finest moment. Looks are important to many many people. The person you are with MUST be physically acceptable to you.
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Comment replies consisting solely of images will be removed. Mod posts Serious posts Megathread Breaking news Unfilter. I called it "the wolf game. My record was three before common sense kicked in I should not have survived to adulthood lol. I thought I was the first person to discover that rubbing my penis on things felt good.
Many pieces of furniture fell victim to my testing. I discovered that the sofa was the best and I had to show my parents. I couldn't keep this to myself! I told them to come to the living room. I had something amazing to show them. I didn't just sexual assault their couch.
I was teaching a class on it. Offering to let my dad have a go. They just stood there. It haunts me to this day. I have never asked them about it. They must have thought they were raising a sexual predator. The fact that you offered to let your dad have a go at it is what's fucking killing me. You should call him and remind him of this. Chairs, couches, walls, you name it.
I asked my Mum if I could have dinner at my "Aunt Christie"'s house again because she cooked my favourite pasta. Turns out Mum didn't know who "Aunt Christie" was - which is because she wasn't really my aunt, she was the co-worker my Dad was sleeping with. Oh god, that's so fucked up when cheaters lie to the kids. For years I thought my biological father's mistress that he brought up to meet me was his wife.
I 8 yr old was supposed to be holding his 2yr old hand while we were at lake fishing. He yanked out of my grasp and took off full sprint into the water. My stepmom had to go diving in after him. They blamed it on me but as an adult with kids about that same age, I would never trust a 8 year old to watch a toddler around a body of water.
I put a canned Miller Lite in my Pikachu lunch box in the 2nd grade because I wanted to be the cool kid at the lunch table and impress my friends.
Unfortunately, my mom saw how shady I was acting protecting my lunchbox and ended up opening it. Til this day, she still brings it up. Kids are hilariously awful at being sneaky.
One time I watched a kid grab a slice of pizza cartoon style tip toe to his room and stuff it in his toy barn. Right in front of a group of adults pointing and laughing at him. When I was little I overheard my mom saying how my aunt chewed with her mouth open.
Sometime later my aunt is in the car with my mom, myself and my sister, and I proudly yell out how my mom says she chews with her mouth open. Another time I came home from school crying and in front of my mother and grandmother told my mom how at school everyone else has a great-grandmother but I have a mean one.
We were on our way up to visit for a few days and he wanted to fill me in on the family. The son was about to graduate high school and about ten years older than me. This reminds me of when my sister came home crying because a teacher told her she was a "dirty blonde".
Took my parents coke vial to show and tell at school. Once I found out it was a bad thing I told my teacher, who kept questioning me where I got it My grandparents used to have a time share condo in Florida, basically an old person's community. My mom took me there when I was maybe , I would sit on the balcony and just shout, "hey you're really old" at all the people that walked by. I've never been to Florida since. When I was about 8 I asked my dad if we could play "the naked man game.
I responded "it's the one we play when [the babysitter] is over. When I was 6 I went to a birthday party with a clown. I bet he overheard one of the kids making fun of another for being too old to wear them and said it just to make it seem okay. I want to believe. One time my parents were trying to park for shopping when this lady stole the spot they were waiting for. On their way to another spot I learned quite a bit of colorful language pertaining to the lady which I was instructed not to repeat.
As luck would have it, my family and this lady ended up in the same elevator and I said something along the lines of: Imagine hearing "So you wanna play the naked man game with my son! I did something similar when I was 4 or 5. I also think she was trying not to laugh.
The next day I told a friend of mine "I fucked my dad last night," because that's what I thought fucking someone was to tell them "fuck you. My baby sister once said to one of the nursery staff that her favourite thing to do was "crack with mummy". After some concerned phone calls and some explanation.
Mum explained to them that "crack" was when they hit the top of a boiled egg with a spoon. I was a super sensitive and anxious kid. One time I was walking in public with my grandmother when she noticed I was crying and asked me what was wrong.
Through the tears I said, "That man touched me! You show me what he did! Sniffling and weepy, I said, "Like this At the customer service counter at the grocery store I remember crawling under it and finding the discarded gums stuck underneath the counter and sticking some in my mouth.
Oh dear god I shudder. Up until I was around 6 or 7, whenever my family and I were heading out of a restaurant, and I noticed that my parents were forgetting cash on the table, I would always make sure to grab it and slip it back into my mom's purse.
I didn't know tipping was a thing, and it's not until I made a comment about how they were always leaving money lying around at restaurants, and how I always had to be the one to keep an eye out for it and make sure they didn't forget it, that they realized what was going on, and I learned.
I cost a lot of waiters their tips: I unknowingly broke my arm when I was four. My parents had no idea. I didn't complain much even though it hurt like hell. I wound up carrying my arm around with the other arm. Parents noticed me doing this but didn't know what to think. The break eventually healed this way and when I went for a check up the doctor informed my parents that I had broken my arm.
This is one of the big issues with kids. The little bastards compensate really well. It's why when they have head trauma we my family at least talk about them "going off a cliff". Because they'll look fine one minute, then be time critical then next.
They had ordered this giant by my 4 year old standards piece of wood to be mounted above the fire place. It was so big it was obvious to me I could climb on it and sit on the mantle. Turns out I was so very wrong. The whole thing came crashing down and split my head open just above my hairline.
It scared me so bad I didnt know what to do. I ran to the bathroom and cleaned myself up from all the blood.